I have bad news: The world sucks, and it’s your fault. I don’t know why you’re surprised. You saw the Facebook post. All you had to do was click “like” to fight breast cancer. Or maybe it was to heighten awareness of diabetes or to show opposition to domestic violence. Whatever it was, you didn’t do it, and that makes you a monster. Somewhere, a semi-illiterate drunk is saying to himself, “I wasn’t going to beat my wife, but nobody shared that picture of a colored ribbon, so now I have to.” It’s unclear why ribbons make a difference. Humanity virtually eradicated small pox and polio without anyone wearing narrow strips of fabric to show how much they disliked those particular diseases. In fact, no medical condition with an affiliated ribbon campaign has ever been cured, making it entirely possible those small signs of support actually make those maladies resistant to modern medicine. Please don’t wear a bubonic plague ribbon. I’d rather the Black Death not make a comeback. The lesson here is that ostentatious displays for or against certain causes are more important than actual science. Please, keep spamming everyone with inspirational posts that will solve the world’s problems if they get shared 10,000 times. Doing that doesn’t make people hate you at all.
|If you are a woman or have ever seen one, you’re supposed to share this post. It was only shared four times. Either someone is lying or mankind is about to go extinct.|
You clearly believe Facebook posts can fix every problem in existence, so it was awfully selfish of you to only share twelve of them. The world has more than a dozen problems. Apparently you had time to click ‘like’ on the post that opposed feeding children to lions but not on the one that rejected burning pandas as fire wood. I bet you’ll feel awfully guilty when pandas go extinct, but at least you’ll be warm. I don’t know who gave you the power to decide which social injustices deserve to be solved, but you should be more careful with how you wield your authority. With one click of your omnipotent finger, you chose to eradicate breast cancer but left Parkinson’s disease intact. You upset a lot of people with that one, but you can probably take them in a fight. If you have to make enemies, you might as well pick the oldest, shakiest ones. With great power comes a lot of extra hours spent on social media sites. Solving everything that’s wrong with the world is more important than your job or your sleep schedule, so pound some caffeine and let everything else in your life fall apart. And when everyone unfriends you, it’s not an expression of annoyance. They’re just honoring you by keeping a respectful distance from your amazing powers.
|Pretty much any animal is flammable if you hit it with a Molotov cocktail.|
I’m not sure when Facebook replaced prestigious scientific research facilities as the front line in the battle against unpopular diseases, but someone should tell those guys in white lab coats. I bet they’ll feel pretty silly for all the time they wasted on “clinical trials” and “actual science.” If Johns Hopkins University stopped all studies and instead posted sappy pictures loosely linked to causes people support, death itself would’ve been eliminated by now. With all the time they’d save by not studying medicine, those researchers could figure out what exactly what hitting the “like” button actually does. It’s only definite purpose is to let Facebook know which ads to spam you with. I once accidentally clicked on an ad for nail polish remover, and I’ve been getting bombarded with deals for bikini waxes and tampons ever since. The “like” button is undoubtedly powerful, but its link to human health is somewhat confusing. It must do something or else those who share posts about fighting diseases are the dumbest people on the planet. The most obvious explanation is the “like” button is actually a survey orchestrated by God himself. He really thought we liked dying slow, painful deaths, but if we express our collective disapproval, he’ll pull the worst diseases and conditions from the lineup. You really should’ve voted against that fish that swims up people’s urethras.
There are millions and millions of people on Facebook, but posts that implore readers to “share this if you hate leukemia” are only spread tens of thousands of times each. If the “like” button cures diseases – which at this point is beyond dispute – that means the people who don’t click effectively commit murder. I assume these psychopaths simply miss the life-saving posts because they’re too busy looking at newborn baby pictures, marriage announcements, and other completely unimportant life events. If you forced everyone in the world to take a poll on how they feel about cancer, I imagine its approval rating would be somewhere around zero percent. That would still make it slightly more popular than Congress. Since everyone hates cancer but not everyone takes the time to do something about it, it should be mandatory to view Facebook posts dedicated to charitable causes. Every time you log in, you should be forced to scroll through hundreds of pictures that say “share this to stop brain-eating super viruses” or “hit ‘like’ if you hate anal seepage.” If you do as the post says, you could continue on to play Candy Crush or whatever else it is you do to waste you day. But if you don’t share it, a passing B2 bomber would blow up your house because you are tumor on human society.
|No one can agree on whether or not the U.S. should bomb Syria, but everyone agrees you’re a dick for not sharing that post about heart disease.|
Of course, this raises the entirely valid question of whether or not humanity is worth saving. Those Facebook posts you share virtually guarantee human immorality, but shows like Dance Moms and Toddlers and Tiaras make a compelling argument that mankind deserves to go extinct. Nothing good can come from giving people infinite time to live vicariously through their children on reality TV. If we don’t want people to live forever, then, we’ll have to let at least some diseases continue to exist. We should set up a worldwide survey to decide which forms of death are still acceptable in this new, perfect world. This poll should obviously be held on Facebook. “Like” if you want heart disease, “share” if you want the Ebola virus.