Before I go any further, I want to make one thing clear for
any animal lovers out there: Chimps are dicks. Anytime an environmentalist
tells you humans are the only species that kills its own kind, they’re lying.
Chimps do it all the time. Sometimes, they kill to overthrow the existing group
leader. Other times, they kill and eat weak members of their society just
because they can. In the animal kingdom, boredom is an acceptable justification
for murder and cannibalism. The only thing chimps hate more than other chimps are
humans. If you come within arm’s reach of a chimpanzee, it will do everything
in its power to literally rip your face off. Chimps don’t even eat faces. They tear
them off for the same reason we pop bubble wrap: It’s fun, and it makes a cool
sound. There’s no such thing as a peaceful chimp; there are only chimps
currently engaged in face ripping and chimps waiting for you to come a little
closer.
Chimp vs. Human Combat Guide
An ape is a ferocious opponent, but it’s still no match for
me under the right conditions. Arguing otherwise is an insult to me personally
and to our species as a whole. Throughout history, human beings have harnessed their
collective creativity and intelligence to massacre creatures dumber than
themselves. Mankind and chimpanzees once shared the savannah. Humans went on to
invent tools and NASCAR and the dollar menu and McDonalds. Chimps just hung
around the grasslands throwing poop at each other. I’m not sure who came out
ahead on that one. In terms of total population, though, Homo sapiens are the
clear winners. There are more than six billion people on earth, while
chimpanzees are teetering on the brink of extinction. The endangered species list
is a victory banner showing all the uppity animals we knocked down a peg. We
already fought our battle with nature. Spoiler alert: humanity won.
While a group of humans will always beat a group of apes, this
debate is about whether an individual human can defeat a lone ape in single
combat. Chimps are stronger and faster than humans, which will help them
exactly not at all. Human beings didn’t surpass lesser primates by challenging
them to foot races and arm wrestling matches. We did it by spearing them to
death in their sleep. If you match a chimp’s physical abilities against my
cunning, I would emerge victorious at least some of the time. As with
everything in life, the outcome depends on the circumstances. If I bump into a
chimpanzee while wandering alone across the savannah, my face is as good as
gone. But if the same encounter happens in the middle of my kitchen, I’d look
pretty good for family photos later that afternoon. This is of course a lie. I’d
ruin those pictures even with my face intact.
For this scenario, let’s say a chimp wanders through my
front door and we’re both surprised to see each other. He was hoping for an
unopposed home invasion, and I was looking forward to a quiet day without any
fights to the death against a fellow hominid. All that goes out the window when
the chimp lays his beady little eyes on my supple, unripped-off face. The next
few seconds are critical. First, I’d crap my pants. This is not a sign of
cowardice. It merely lightens my load and makes me more agile for the graceful
combat maneuvers that lie ahead. What happens
after that depends on what I was up to before the chimp’s unexpected arrival.
Watching TV
If I’m sitting on the couch watching reruns of Law and Order, my reaction would begin
and end at voiding my bowels. I can’t fight back if I’m not already in some
kind of combat stance. The last time I was taken by surprise by an animal, a
raccoon wandered through the doggie door and onto our enclosed back porch. I
didn’t exhibit courage in that encounter, although by the time my wife got home
you could hardly tell I’d been crying. A chimp is the size of at least five
raccoons stacked on top of each other. The best I could hope for is a swift
trip to the hospital and an attractive face donor.
Odds of survival: 5%
Odds of my story being loosely copied on the next episode of
Law and Order: When Animals Attack:
82%
Making Dinner
If I’m chopping up vegetables when the chimp wanders into my
house, I’d immediately drop the knife and reach for a kitchen chair. It would
force separation between us and act as a reach weapon. Nothing in Darwinian evolution
prepared an ape to defend itself against a thrashing from a sturdy wooden seat.
Odds of survival: 80%
Odds of getting yelled at by my wife for ruining a perfectly
good kitchen chair: 100%
Performing Impromptu Indoor Carpentry
Every once in a while I get the sudden urge to build
something out of wood in the middle of my living room. If I have a power tool
of any kind, the chimp would have a bad day. He may be quick, but he can’t
outrun a circular saw blade spinning at 1500 RPM. I’d live, but the price would
be high. Nothing stains carpet like monkey blood.
Odds of survival: 95%
Odds of someone pointing out chimps aren’t monkeys: 75%
 |
| A circular saw isn’t as effective as a gun, but you can buy one without a three-day waiting period. |
Working out
The key to surviving a chimpanzee attack is sensible
footwear. If I’m wearing running shoes, I’d use them for their intended
purpose: kicking chimps in the balls. Even if I died, all that chimp would have
to look forward to would be a life with no offspring and two exploded testicles.
Odds of survival: 50%
Odds of getting an endorsement deal from Nike for their new line
of nut-crushing cleats: -5%
My victory may not be as inevitable as I at first assumed,
but the scientifically rigorous results above speak for themselves. There are
multiple ways I could survive and even thrive during an unprovoked chimpanzee
attack. Chances are I’ll need to use some or all of these methods within my
lifetime. There are nearly two vicious chimp-on-human attacks every year. I’m
ready for my turn. Are you?
