Everything You Need To Know About Unicorn Rape

This blog recently disappointed its 200,000th unique visitor, an impressive feat considering I post something new about once a decade and haven’t said anything worthwhile since Jimmy Carter was president. While people end up in my humble corner of the Internet for a variety of reasons, the two Google searches bringing in the most traffic are “valedictorian speech” and “unicorn rape.” As a true Renaissance man, I’m an expert in both. I just checked the stats, and of the last 867 searches leading here, 204 were looking for a witty commencement script and 51 wanted to see a white horse with a horn engage in nonconsensual fornication. I cater to exactly four times as many scholars as perverts, although my calculations don’t account for any overlap between the two groups.

I wrote about this topic almost five years ago, back when I was naïve enough to be shocked someone on the Internet was looking for unicorn sodomy. Back then, I was only the fourth result on Google for mythical creature butt play. That means there were three other Web sites with more information than I had about anally violating a unicorn. Now I’m number one. Think about that. The Internet is a big, scary place full of millions of people with sick, twisted fetishes. When it comes to the unwanted penetration of magical horses, I know more than every single one of them. If I was in playing Jeopardy against Wikipedia and God and the topic of unicorn rape came up, I’d clear out the category before anyone else could even buzz in. That’s pretty remarkable because everyone knows God cheats at game shows. I’m the world’s leading authority on a subject only the most degenerate fringes of society care about. It feels good to finally make a difference.

Although I’m undeniably the most prestigious unicorn rape-ologist in existence, there are some things about the field even I don’t know. For example, why does it have to be rape? Not one person has ever arrived at this Web site by searching for “unicorn consensual sex.” For some reason, the fetish falls apart if both unicorns are enjoying it. Nobody ever comes here for regular, non-magical horse rape, either. The horn must make the difference, which is odd since its placement indicates it has absolutely no role in procreation. Seriously, when is the last time you saw a creature, mythical or otherwise, with a sex organ right in the middle of its forehead? As far as I know, unicorns use their horns only for granting wishes and stabbing dolphins. Tuna nets aren’t the only threat to everyone’s favorite aquatic mammal.

Don’t worry: This doesn’t count as unicorn porn. They’re both having too much fun.

Quite frankly, I find it hard to believe it’s even possible to rape a unicorn. They’re as fast as horses, and some stories say they can turn invisible. Only the most retarded unicorns would let you get close enough to give them an unwanted humping. I’d like to hear that conversation the next morning.

Unicorn 1: Hey Ed, how’d you manage to get raped last night?

Unicorn 2: A guy in a ski mask came up to me and started unzipping his pants, but I stuck around to see where he was going with it.

Unicorn 1: Good call. There could have been candy or delicious dolphins inside his trousers.

Spoiler alert: There are never delicious dolphins inside a rapist’s trousers. I plan to write a children’s book with that as the title someday.

Unicorns and dolphins are natural enemies, like cats and dogs or minorities and old people.

It might seem odd for a guy in a ski mask to have his way with a unicorn, but the people looking for unicorn rape are frustratingly non-specific on who is supposed to be raping whom. I originally assumed “unicorn rape” meant one unicorn initiating forced relations with another member of the same species, but it could just as easily be a man raping a unicorn or a unicorn raping a man. The latter is truly a horrifying image. The world is dangerous enough without having to worry about a unicorn swooping down and having its way with you just because you wore your tight leather pants to work. Everyone has a different interpretation of casual Friday, and some interpretations are more likely than others to result in an abundance of shame and rectal bleeding. If unicorns really did rape people, it wouldn’t take long for everyone to have unicorn AIDS and unplanned unicorn babies. Unicorn rapists are notorious for not practicing safe sex. They don’t make condoms for mythical horses, but even if they did most unicorns wouldn’t use them. It’s a little know fact all unicorns are jerks.

This does count as unicorn porn. Congratulations, you’re officially a pervert. Your certificate is in the mail. The membership card costs extra.

While I have no respect for anyone with a unicorn rape fetish, I’m more than willing to profit from them. Google AdSense allows you to cash out once you earn $10 in advertisement revenue. Over the past five years, my account has amassed exactly $9.02 from blog traffic. Since people looking for unicorn rape account for about six percent of my readers, I’ve earned no less than $0.53 from sexual deviants. If I can attract 30,000 or so more perverts, my net profit will finally exceed $10, allowing me to cash out and retire. Make no mistake: I plan to finance a lavish lifestyle of sloth and excess by peddling unicorn smut. It’s only a matter of time until the big-name pornographic publishers take notice and try to cut in on this lucrative niche market.

I’ve written 227 posts, most of which are around one thousand words long, so this site is officially longer than the New Testament. This blog is both less concise and more important than the Bible, but I still can’t help but feel after using all those words I should have made an impact on the world greater than clarifying the involuntary mating habits of a magical horse. If I named this Web site Exploding House Cat instead of Exploding Unicorn, I’m sure I would have become an expert in a gamut of rape scenarios both more disturbing and more profitable than type in which I now specialize. It’s too late to change, though, so my best option is give my current readers what they want. Now that I’ve used variations of the phrase “unicorn phrase” at least two dozen times in one post, I’m guaranteed to be the top Google result for unsolicited fairy-tale copulation for years to come.