It‘s recently come to my attention that my wife has contracted a severe case of pregnancy. Symptoms include abdominal swelling, exhaustion, and baby-induced insanity. Lola’s unbalance hormones have led to more than a few good stories, all of which I have been forbidden from telling upon threat of severe bodily harm. She doesn’t seem like much of a threat to me now, but I’ve still chosen to honor her request. Lola may have the mobility of a beached whale, but she could always role over and crush me in my sleep. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about pregnant women, such as the idea that they are sane and aren’t dangerous. As I sit here, patiently waiting for Lola’s baby infection to come to an end, I might as well take this opportunity to clear up a few misconceptions about my wife’s gestational adventures.
Myth: Pregnancy is a magical experience.
Fact: Pregnancy is a hilarious experience – as long as you’re not the unfortunate one who is infested with the baby. Lola can no longer tie her shoes, and getting her up from a prone or sitting position requires the aid of a team of oxen and a winch. She has considerable trouble with light physical activity and standard-width doors. For Lola, pregnancy has been a magical experience, as long as magical now means unpleasant and humiliating.
Myth: Inducing labor at home is a simple process.
Fact: Two proven methods for inducing labor are drinking castor oil and sex. It’s debatable which approach seems more objectionable to a heavily pregnant woman. Scientists have shown the only sure way to get a baby dislodged from someone’s womb is to figure out the most inconvenient date possible said baby could arrive. Lola’s due date is May 19, but the final episode of Lost isn’t until May 23. I guarantee you Lola will give birth exactly four days late. I also guarantee Lola will be going to the hospital alone. The final episode of Lost is far too important to be trusted to the DVR, and I refuse to watch anything on the little TV in the maternity ward.
Myth: I have lots of experience at taking care of young children.
Fact: I have lots of experience at ignoring small children. My parents had a least nineteen other kids in the twenty four years since I was born, and in that entire time span I’ve changed maybe one diaper. If I couldn’t find someone smaller than me to force to do the dirty work, I resorted to alternative cleaning methods. There are few hygiene problems that can’t be solved with air fresheners and a garden hose.
Myth: Everybody likes the name we picked for our baby.
Fact: Everybody likes the first name we picked. As for the middle name, when people hear it they look at Lola and I like we’re committing an act of preemptive child abuse. We’re going with Lida for her middle name. I recently discovered I had a great grandmother with that name. She was Norwegian, and I’m guessing the name is, too. I surmised this because Norwegians have a long, proud tradition of giving their children really terrible names. I’m not too worried that we’re ruining the baby's life since all kids hat their middle names – except for me. But that’s only because I legally changed my middle name to “Danger.”
Myth: After the baby arrives, no one in this house will sleep through the night again.
Fact: I consider it a wild night if I manage to not fall asleep on the couch before 8 p.m., and staying in bed until seven on a weekend morning is what I consider to be sleeping in. I already have the operational hours on an 85-year-old man. My lack of functional mammary glands should preclude my involvement in nighttime feeds, which should allow me to maintain my geriatric lifestyle for the foreseeable future.
Myth: Babies are expensive.
Fact: Babies are highly profitable, assuming you can find the right buyer. Lola hasn’t directly stated I’m forbidden from selling the baby on the black market, which is a critical oversight on her part. I’m still not sure if I want the child or the money, but at the first sign of colic I’m putting the baby on eBay.
Myth: I haven’t posted anything on this website for months because I’ve been too busy with pregnancy-related matters.
Fact: I haven’t posted anything on this blog for months because I’ve been too busy playing Xbox, attempting to exercise, and falling asleep early. Not much has happened in the last two months. I’ve been running a little and limping a lot, and Lola and I had an extremely suspicious encounter with a man who in hindsight was probably trying to carjack us. I actually started to write an entire article about the latter, but it turns out almost getting robbed is considerably less interesting than actually getting robbed. I’ll make sure our next potential assailant follows through in order to give me something worthwhile to write about.
We’re about three weeks away from Lola’s due date, so I should have interesting stuff to post here fairly soon. Maybe it will pictures of the baby. Maybe it will an image of the huge check I get for selling our infant to certified Hungarian baby wranglers. You’ll just have to check back here to find out.