Gravity: Nature’s Abortion Clinic (Photo courtesy of http://www.ci.port-washington.wi.us/History/WalkingTour/MuseumStairs.jpg)
This sounds like a simple enough strategy, but there’s a lot of useless advice floating around on the internet just waiting to lead you astray. In fact, I recently read an article giving men advice on how not to buy bad gifts. I disagreed with the author on a few key points, namely in that his example of a horrible present was giving a woman jewelry too early in a relationship and my example of an okay present was pooping in a jar and gift-wrapping it for my wife’s parents. I’ve been giving bad gifts for so long that I was finally asked to cease and desist by friends, family members and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Thanks to my careful planning, I wasn’t just kicked out of these gift pools; I won Christmas.
For those of you who want to be like me, here are my tips on what gifts to by for various people. This strategy guide will invariably enable you to triumph over yet another inconvenient holiday.
A Nephew Who’s Name You Can Never Remember
Sure, you could give kid-whose-name-you-think-begins-with-a-“J” a model train set or an Etch-A-Sketch, but I find you get more entertaining results with a bottle of bourbon and a box of matches. Hey, if your brother and sister-in-law didn’t want their eight-year-old going home from Christmas dinner with alcohol poisoning and third-degree burns, then they should have asked for your permission before they procreated.
In some countries, you have to kill a lion to reach adulthood. In others, you just have to be smart enough not to listen to Uncle Chuck. (Photo courtesy of http://www.independentliquor.co.nz/Portals/57ad7180-c5e7-49f5-b282-c6475cdb7ee7/LARGE_WOODSTOCK_BOURBON_1125ML.jpg)
That Guy at Work Who Thinks You’re his Friend
You have nothing in common with the man, but he sits close enough to vital office equipment that you can’t make a copy without first engaging him in awkward small talk. He’s sure to give you that holiday cheese sampler he saw in the clearance section at Target. Respond by giving him an office casserole. First, raid the office supply cabinet. You’ll need about half an arm load of sticky notes, some printer paper and as many used staples as you can find in the carpet on the floor of your cubicle. Next, pile the ingredients on top his keyboard. Finally, saturate them with scalding coffee. If he objects, claim it has something to do with your Mormon roots and then elbow him in his eye socket. Then enjoy your newfound freedom to make copies without being molested by polite conversation.
Every week, you spend forty plus hours being a drain on company resources. That’s why the best gift you can give your supervisor is simply not showing up for work. A close second would be regifting a holiday cheese sample provided by one of your lesser co-workers.
Regardless of how long you have been dating her and what her individual interests might be, there are two irrefutable facts you must consider: Women are stupid, and they love shiny objects. A caring boyfriend will buy his girlfriend a necklace, but a cunning boyfriend will buy his woman a highly polished can of peas. Seriously, once you take the label off you’ve got a large, semi-reflective tin surface to work with. Plus you can hurl it at her head when she gets out of line. Relationships are all about posturing. Jewelry sends the message that you’re a pushover who will respond to your girlfriend’s every whim, whereas a can of peas sends the message that you’re an independent man with a strong throwing arm.
Love is a dish best served in a metal cylinder at high velocity (Photo courtesy of http://www.unitypro.com/demos/t3d/tincan01-640/tin%20can.jpg)
All marriages go through good and bad times, but your Christmas will be much cheaper if you focus on the latter. There are basically two categories of gifts for this situation: divorce papers or a gun. I recommend setting both on the kitchen table along with a full bottle of wine and a box of condoms. You’ll either reconcile or kill each other, but either way you’ll put on one heck of a show for the kids.