I had to write a business and consumer article for my journalism class, a task I tackled with my usual fondness for subtle truth enhancement.
Sony Hopes to Meet Profit Expectations, Convert the Unfaithful
Sony Corporation Chairman and CEO Howard Stringer said Monday during a press conference at the RCA Dome in
“You might call it an $8 billion loss,” Stringer told investors during Sony’s press conference. “We call it an $8 billion dollar profit for somebody other than us.”
Sony’s fourth-quarter success depends almost entirely on the PLAYSTATION 3, a new video game system deemed so important by Sony executives that “it would be blasphemous to disgrace it with lowercase letters,” said Sony representative Randy Osmond.
The unique composition of the system’s name also has a more humanitarian function.
“Our theory is that if we put its name in all capital letters, then everyone can read it, including those who are legally blind,” Osmond said. “Consequently, it’s considered libel to type ‘PLAYSTATION 3’ in anything less than size 72 font.”
According to a fact sheet released by Sony during its press conference, the PLAYSTATION 3 boasts a screen resolution of 1080p for many of its games, wireless connectivity for its controllers and mind-blowing graphical capabilities processed at speeds “faster than God himself.”
A few consumer advocacy groups are already demanding that the PLAYSTATION 3 be equipped with extra safety measures to protect gamers who may become dazed and confused by the system’s lifelike graphics.
“The graphics are so photorealistic that we expect there to be thousands of deaths from gamers who run headfirst into their television sets in a vain attempt to enter the fictional worlds displayed on the screens before them,” said Sheila Partridge, president of the Parental Council for Safer Gaming. “That’s why we’re demanding that every console be shipped with a free helmet.”
Another organization had nothing but praise for Sony’s recent announcements.
“I’ve come to the conclusion that the PLAYSTATION 3 produces fictional worlds way more amazing than the one allegedly made by God at the time of creation,” said Chad Negus, executive chairman of the Society of Nihilists for a Brighter Tomorrow. “Since we all agree that God is dead, why not make the PLAYSTATION 3 our new supreme deity?”
Negus is actively seeking outside support for his idea.
“We’ve been in talks with the pope, and he said he would consider the matter,” Negus said.
Follow-up inquiries revealed the Catholic Church to be unreceptive to the idea.
“I’m kind of partial to the Nintendo Wii myself,” Pope Benedict XVI said when reached for comment Tuesday morning. “I don’t think the Wii will ever replace God, but it could realistically come in a close second – third if you factor in the Xbox 360.”
Catholics around the world responded to the pope’s comments by accusing him of being a Microsoft “fanboy,” a term gamers use to describe someone fanatically loyal to the video game systems produced by one particular company.
With the PLAYSTATION 3’s chances of gaining acceptance by organized religion rapidly diminishing, Sony’s problems were further compounded when analysts began openly questioning Sony’s claims earlier this week.
“Saying that the PLAYSTATION 3 has a processing speed faster than God is a gross hyperbole,” said Michael Friedman, an analyst at Randolph Investments, Inc. “According to our calculations, the PLAYSTATION 3 runs at a little over three gigahertz, which is only about half the speed of God.”
Nearly all theologians agree that God’s processing speed is approximately six gigahertz. The announcement by Randolph Investments about the PLAYSTATION 3’s actual capabilities had unintended consequences among gamers around the world.
“I was going to become Roman Catholic, but then I realized I could just buy two PLAYSTATION 3s and worship those instead,” said gamer Stanley Davis, 17, of
God was unavailable for comment.